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| I met this great girl..and we spent the most amazing two weeks ever..but why did I end it so damn soon? I feel like I have problems of my own that I don't want others in...I've never been like this..I've never had to hide anything from anyone..but I feel like I had too for some reason.
She really does love me but why can't I show it back? I'm such an asshole.
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| Man..why do I bother? I always LET my fucking guard down. Am I fucking cursed?! It's partial insight into why I don't really like dating sites...I feel as though it's an excuse for women..to find a pole they can slide themselves onto..and all I'm looking for is a woman whos fucking honest...and yeah not a fucking dice in that field. I'm done playing mindless games, I suppose I miss that feeling of actually being wanted, having that butterfly feeling in the pit of your stomach when the day goes by and think of the one person that makes your feel melted inside...things have started to unravel as well..nine days until school gets back in...and I'm a little behind on my bills..and my internship ended today. With only 200 clock internship hours...I need 200 more to be able to just graduate with my Honda degree. Another note I'm seriously thinking about joing the military after I get out of college. I need somewhere to feel part of something BIG..somewhere I can start fresh..not deal with the bullshit thats associated with me at the moment. For some reason I just feel really empty inside. I just hope the rest of this year can go by smoothly. | | |
| How do you make yourself sound decent on a dating site? I feel as though I'm writing a resume for a job interview. I've had a couple of good hits here and there but to be honest I describe who I am as a person, I've told it like it is but apparently it's not want some women want.
It's hard to explain how you are as a person (at least in my opinion) because part of you wants to set the record straight...the other part doesn't want to reveal too much in fear of running the person off. I'm tired so much of being alone..but I would like someone new in my life, I do think I've very much ready to be in another relationship..but that hurdle remains: How do you attract a member of the opposite sex?
Someone once told me a long time ago 'Once your in your twenties and your single, it gets hard to find someone to date' and it definitely holds true. I'm not superman, I make mistakes, I'm not perfect by any means. I'm just a normal guy who works hard for what he has.
Anyways...I'd better end this rant.
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| It definitely has been awhile. Shortly after my last web log post, me and my girlfriend of 4 and a half years split up, the end result? I was sent packing a couple of weeks before Christmas. Now about nearly 12 months later I'm here in her computer room updating my blog.
Why do I put myself through this? To be honest I don't know anymore...I don't know what people want from me. I feel as though at every turn someone is always taking me and spinning me around 360 degrees. I don't know how I can force myself away from someone with whom I shared my life with for 4 and a half years..only to be told that they did not care where I ended up..only to realize later on that they made a 'mistake' and yet I sit here in her house at 1:05 in the morning.
I feel as though it's an excuse...an excuse in which they refuse to be alone, refuse to let go of the person that once loved them, but yet I'm here..not living with her but hanging out with her..doing things together..and at some points I get so annoyed with myself that I wish I was somewhere far from this very existence..in fact I had the chance to actually start something new...but it turns out that it too was a complete fluke. But that story is for another day.
I'm actually due to finish up my final year at NCC or a.k.a the Tech in Nashua, I've grown found of my new found profession but I still have my days where I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders other than that I'm dealing with the stresses of living on my own..and I'm actually learning more about myself in the process.
I'm thinking about enlisting myself in the service..where I know if I bust my ass...and make a career out of it..it will be a guaranteed job for life...just as I wanted to when I was a senior in high school.
The other hard thing I can't deal with is the fact of being single..yeah I have the chance to randomly hook up with women...and to be honest I only did it once, it felt great but it wasn't me. The sexual endeavor was worth it..but would I do it again? Maybe...maybe not.
The reason is that I suppose I'm so yearning for another woman to come into my life that I notice myself just staring down a wall sometimes...drinking a bit more (beer can be a confidence booster..but at the same time your judgment is impaired) and just hanging out with the same group of friends.
I get tired and annoyed very easily now...it's weird. I'll be 26 in exactly One month, 15 hours and 5 days from now. I still can't believe I'll be that old. It makes me wish I could turn back the hands of time..and if I could see myself back then...I would go back just to warn myself that this is where I would end up in 10 years.
My best friend is actually starting to come around and calling me allot more than he used too about a year and a half ago..which is cool with me because now I know he always has my back.
Some days I feel like I should drive down to Profile Rock in Assonet...climb to it's peak..and just let out a huge yell...maybe because I want to relieve what's on my mind.
This one woman whom I'll call Sunshine, the one person I thought would change everything for me....I don't want to go out and call her a fluke...I just don't know what happened between us..for 3 months we spoke, keep in mind that we met through Match.com and despite the distance between us...a whopping 2,100 miles..we spoke on a daily basis...told each other things...shared our deepest thoughts about life in general..and then poof in a blink of an eye..it ended..no explanation , no returned calls or texts...just like that it was over.
I suppose I'm so bitter because I let my guard down..and trusted someone whom I almost had a chance encounter with, which would've been the first week of this month but it comes a little too late for that.
And to think I really thought about relocating my life to the Southwest..because I was chasing someone down for love...not for myself but for them.
I can only say that I would never wish any ill will or harm to her but there's that saying that 'what goes around...definitely comes around' and not to mention 'Karma's a bitch'.
To be honest...it's so much harder to try and date someone new...when today's women tend be somewhat picky.
Who knows what will happen a couple of months from now...but in the mean time...I have to stay focused on myself.
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| Welp. I barely passed the 2nd semmester but I am now in hopes of re-taking a certain class that was my ultimate downfall : Elementary Statistics. I can't go on blaming others for what I messed up on my own because it was indeed my own fault...I set myself up for failure..and for that I learned a very valuable lesson.
Work is going good I supposed I'm finally picking up some more hours so even hour I can salvage for my meager wages at the Zone helps. I'm on the verge of losing my license..so I have to get that situated or else I loose my privileges on June 4th. Lately I haven't been able to sleep..it's something about insomnia that just kills me.
I wish I had someone to vent all of my issues too..this really sucks.
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